The following is a general guide to all sports lovers, not just those that play the great game of Hockey.
Often you will see, or hear, or be emailed public statements from a slew of different clubs or associations or even players across multiple sports and multiple platforms that vaguely say the same thing. “Blah blah future, blah blah standards, blah blah values”. You can insert any word you think starts with ‘blah blah’. It may be a coach, maybe a player. There is no doubt though that it is administrators that excel in the mystic art of Blah.
To help understand and greater appreciate exactly what it is we are paying for every time we attend or watch or support any sport anywhere I have created the following translations. It may be spelt different, but Blah sounds the same in any language.
“We support the coach/manager 100%” Frankly that one is blah speak 101. If you are a coach/manager and you hear those words coming from the Board, don’t resign. Make them come up with a good payout.
“Working toward a framework…” Trying to draw a rectangle on a white board
“developed a framework” drew a rectangle on a white board
“Implementing a framework” Showing players the rectangle
“discussed the issues” Person A screamed abuse at Person B across the change room after a 10-0 defeat.
“You can’t fault the players work ethic/desire” Now this one is interesting. There are four possible translations:
1) They tried real hard, but lets be honest, they are useless in this league
- They are really good players, but they are also collectively thick
- They did the hard yards tracking her through the deep forest snow but in the end they were just to wussy to shoot Bambi.
- We got beat by a better side (This is a rare translation)
“I make this decision looking to the future of the Club” Once again this can have different translations, depending who delivers the line
Coach’s 1) I have seen the recruiting here and I ain’t carrying that can
- I have seen the books and you guys can’t afford what xxxxx is offering
- I am not letting the missus/mister anywhere near the bloke/shelia you signed for next season.
Players 1) I really want to play another year but the club wont even sign
me on a basic 1 year contract, without bonus!
- Yeah I may have played if they gave me another $200K a year
- I am not spending the next 9 months being flogged by teenagers
Administrators 1) These guys are real dodgy and I am out of here
- I’m gone before they realise how dodgy I am
- I have seen the books and you guys can’t afford what xxxxx is offering
- The fans are so mental I fear for my families safety
“Club Values” Player 1 is only getting $xxxx at fxxxxxg xxxxx, why fxxxxxg pay Player 2 fxxxxxg $xxxx to play here.
“Club Culture” The amount of Yakult the teams nutritionist recommends as a daily dose.
“interrupted preparation” Players got on the juice after a team dinner and ended up in a brawl with the local bouncers the night before the big game.
“internal team sanctions” Made to wear underwear on the outside of your clothes for a week
“rebuild” Two variations on the original text here. 1) We are Crap. We are being relegated.
- We are Crap. Thankfully, there is no relegation
“a new vision” Are you old enough to remember ‘New Coke’? New has never been a descriptor of quality or usefulness. Roughly translates as ‘stuff I can just make up’
“broader vision” Nothing to do with officiating. Generally regarded as having derived from one of the original ancient sporting texts. Currently accepted by people with glasses perched on the end of their nose to translate as ‘Things I can in no way ever predict or ever hope to understand the consequences of’
“expectation” We hope
“supporter expectations” Whatever keeps them coming through the gate and buying merchandise
“current expectations’ What supporter expectation is after Electric Shock Therapy or losing 12 games on the trot.
“Loyal Servant’ originally translated as ‘didn’t chase the money’, recently discovered texts have led to some picture readers re-translating to ‘First out the door, we can always re-sign him later if we need to’.
“Stakeholder” any open wallet
“Growth of the Game” Refers directly to ‘Stakeholder’
“Inclusive” Refers directly to ‘Stakeholder’
“junior growth” Stakeholder with Children
“Following consultation with stakeholders” We cornered people with a pride of hungry lions and asked them if they agreed with us.
Please feel free to add forward your own regional translations of Blah speak. It is my hope that we can build a ‘WikiBlah’ that may eliminate the need for sportspeople and administrators to hold press conferences at all. “WikiBlah 11011001, WikiBlah 10001011, WikiBlah 01110100”. Think of it as binary bullshit. Thursday June 29 2017
